Recently I have suffered a personal attack from an individual who seems intent on watching my every move. Things that I once said and did without a second thought now have to be checked. Even the slightest of-hand comment can be taken and twisted and I admit I am neither devious nor cunning enough defeat this person. Yes I admit it I am easily bullied. I am not a fighter. I prefer my life to be quieter. I don’t intentionally seek out trouble. I neither thrive on it nor find glory in it. O I try and be clever. But really I’m not and the bullies know it.
Not so long ago I was in a work situation were a person made my life hell. In the end I left the job and have ended up with a better job, better hours, better money, less stress and more importantly better work colleagues. A bit of a win win situation. The bully thought she won as I left, as she wanted. And I won because I ended up being better off both finically and personally.
Now I find myself being bullied in an organisation I was once to happy to be a part off. My every move is watched, even those areas that have nothing to do with the past time. And now I am at the point of giving up on a hobby I once loved because I don’t need the hassle. Life is too short and I am too weak to fight.
I am told by many different people that I look like I can could hold my own. This has often worked to my advantage as it has meant that I have never been in a physical fight in my life. Nor have I ever come close to being in one. But behind the tough exterior is actually someone who can’t cope.
I’m going to share something with you know that I hope we can keep between our selves. And maybe you’ll understand the need for me to keep this blog anonymous. I suffer from periods of depression. Not real ‘I can’t get out of bed and function depression’. But cold hearted ‘I think tonight is the night I’m going to kill myself’ stuff. It’s never an emotional thing it’s always quite cold and calculating. I just find life so hard some times. I struggle with people, I always have. I can’t read them in a lot of ways they are a complete mystery to me. In my perfect world I would just get on with my life. No one would bother me no one question my every move. It would be so easy for me to become a complete recluse. I find the world a very scary and unkind place to be. Most of the time I just don’t get it. I know there are people who have things a lot worse than me. In fact people with real depression who actually have something to be depressed about would be very angry with me, quite rightly so. They would probably give me a slap and tell me to get over it. And they are right. I don’t have anything to be depressed about. In fact I don’t think it really is depression. But when I get suicidal like that it scares the hell out of me. I’m scared that one day there is not going to be a reason not to do it. Or that there is actually going to be a good enough reason to do it.
But then other days I feel fine. In fact some days I feel on cloud nine. I’m high as a kite, like a kid before they’re birthday. These days scare me as well. Normally they follow the days of suicidal thoughts. I’m scared that maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I’m a manic-depressive. And then I feel that I’m actually just over reacting and just looking for something to be wrong.
Some days I feel totally fine. I can think straight I’m me. These are the days when I mostly just feel a fool, and I’m ashamed and embarrassed and I feel guilty for claiming that my silly emotions come even close to the people and they’re friends and family who really have to deal with the disease. I’m glad on those days that I didn’t go to the doctors or mention my fears to those around me. My embarrassment and shame stays in my own head.