Badly Written Scribe

Badly Written Scribehttp://BadScribe.blog.co.uk/en-EUhourly82000-01-01T12:00+00:00Badly Written Scribehttp://BadScribe.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/9e/2597f0ee7420d4cb814a2ebaba0ac2_160x200.jpgPeoplehttp://BadScribe.blog.co.uk/2008/04/11/people-4027902/2008-04-11T01:04:38+02:00 Recently I have suffered a personal attack from an individual who seems intent on watching my every move. Things that I once said and did without a second thought now have to be checked. Even the slightest of-hand comment can be taken and twisted and I admit I am neither devious nor cunning enough defeat this person. Yes I admit it I am easily bullied. I am not a fighter. I prefer my life to be quieter. I don’t intentionally seek out trouble. I neither thrive on it nor find glory in it. O I try and be clever. But really I’m not and the bullies know it. Not so long ago I was in a work situation were a person made my life hell. In the end I left the job and have ended up with a better job, better hours, better money, less stress and more importantly better work colleagues. A bit of a win win situation. The bully thought she won as I left, as she wanted. And I won because I ended up being better off both finically and personally. Now I find myself being bullied in an organisation I was once to happy to be a part off. My every move is watched, even those areas that have nothing to do with the past time. And now I am at the point of giving up on a hobby I once loved because I don’t need the hassle. Life is too short and I am too weak to fight. I am told by many different people that I look like I can could hold my own. This has often worked to my advantage as it has meant that I have never been in a physical fight in my life. Nor have I ever come close to being in one. But behind the tough exterior is actually someone who can’t cope. I’m going to share something with you know that I hope we can keep between our selves. And maybe you’ll understand the need for me to keep this blog anonymous. I suffer from periods of depression. Not real ‘I can’t get out of bed and function depression’. But cold hearted ‘I think tonight is the night I’m going to kill myself’ stuff. It’s never an emotional thing it’s always quite cold and calculating. I just find life so hard some times. I struggle with people, I always have. I can’t read them in a lot of ways they are a complete mystery to me. In my perfect world I would just get on with my life. No one would bother me no one question my every move. It would be so easy for me to become a complete recluse. I find the world a very scary and unkind place to be. Most of the time I just don’t get it. I know there are people who have things a lot worse than me. In fact people with real depression who actually have something to be depressed about would be very angry with me, quite rightly so. They would probably give me a slap and tell me to get over it. And they are right. I don’t have anything to be depressed about. In fact I don’t think it really is depression. But when I get suicidal like that it scares the hell out of me. I’m scared that one day there is not going to be a reason not to do it. Or that there is actually going to be a good enough reason to do it. But then other days I feel fine. In fact some days I feel on cloud nine. I’m high as a kite, like a kid before they’re birthday. These days scare me as well. Normally they follow the days of suicidal thoughts. I’m scared that maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I’m a manic-depressive. And then I feel that I’m actually just over reacting and just looking for something to be wrong. Some days I feel totally fine. I can think straight I’m me. These are the days when I mostly just feel a fool, and I’m ashamed and embarrassed and I feel guilty for claiming that my silly emotions come even close to the people and they’re friends and family who really have to deal with the disease. I’m glad on those days that I didn’t go to the doctors or mention my fears to those around me. My embarrassment and shame stays in my own head. <a href="http://BadScribe.blog.co.uk/2008/04/11/people-4027902/#comments">Comments</a> Recently I have suffered a personal attack from an individual who seems intent on watching my every move. Things that I once said and did without a second thought now have to be checked. Even the slightest of-hand comment can be taken and twisted and I admit I am neither devious nor cunning enough defeat this person. Yes I admit it I am easily bullied. I am not a fighter. I prefer my life to be quieter. I don’t intentionally seek out trouble. I neither thrive on it nor find glory in it. O I try and be clever. But really I’m not and the bullies know it.
Not so long ago I was in a work situation were a person made my life hell. In the end I left the job and have ended up with a better job, better hours, better money, less stress and more importantly better work colleagues. A bit of a win win situation. The bully thought she won as I left, as she wanted. And I won because I ended up being better off both finically and personally.
Now I find myself being bullied in an organisation I was once to happy to be a part off. My every move is watched, even those areas that have nothing to do with the past time. And now I am at the point of giving up on a hobby I once loved because I don’t need the hassle. Life is too short and I am too weak to fight.
I am told by many different people that I look like I can could hold my own. This has often worked to my advantage as it has meant that I have never been in a physical fight in my life. Nor have I ever come close to being in one. But behind the tough exterior is actually someone who can’t cope.
I’m going to share something with you know that I hope we can keep between our selves. And maybe you’ll understand the need for me to keep this blog anonymous. I suffer from periods of depression. Not real ‘I can’t get out of bed and function depression’. But cold hearted ‘I think tonight is the night I’m going to kill myself’ stuff. It’s never an emotional thing it’s always quite cold and calculating. I just find life so hard some times. I struggle with people, I always have. I can’t read them in a lot of ways they are a complete mystery to me. In my perfect world I would just get on with my life. No one would bother me no one question my every move. It would be so easy for me to become a complete recluse. I find the world a very scary and unkind place to be. Most of the time I just don’t get it. I know there are people who have things a lot worse than me. In fact people with real depression who actually have something to be depressed about would be very angry with me, quite rightly so. They would probably give me a slap and tell me to get over it. And they are right. I don’t have anything to be depressed about. In fact I don’t think it really is depression. But when I get suicidal like that it scares the hell out of me. I’m scared that one day there is not going to be a reason not to do it. Or that there is actually going to be a good enough reason to do it.
But then other days I feel fine. In fact some days I feel on cloud nine. I’m high as a kite, like a kid before they’re birthday. These days scare me as well. Normally they follow the days of suicidal thoughts. I’m scared that maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I’m a manic-depressive. And then I feel that I’m actually just over reacting and just looking for something to be wrong.
Some days I feel totally fine. I can think straight I’m me. These are the days when I mostly just feel a fool, and I’m ashamed and embarrassed and I feel guilty for claiming that my silly emotions come even close to the people and they’re friends and family who really have to deal with the disease. I’m glad on those days that I didn’t go to the doctors or mention my fears to those around me. My embarrassment and shame stays in my own head.

Comments

]]>Sorryhttp://BadScribe.blog.co.uk/2008/02/25/title~3777873/2008-02-25T13:51:36+01:00 I guess it’s been awhile and I’ve had one or two ‘Where are you?’ Emails from Blog uk central. There are two main reasons I’ve not been here. One is I’ve been so very busy. Not only has work been crazy, with two staff on long term sick and the rest racing to fit their remaining holiday allowance in before the deadline ends. But I’ve also been looking at starting a small paying hobby of Pet Photography. I’ve photographed my own cats for years. And as with all things the more you do something the better you get. Consequently I’ve had so many people telling me that I could be a professional, I’ve decided to give it a go. I very much doubt that I will ever earn enough to make it a full time job (although one can but dream). But if can earn enough money to progress a hobby I love, then why not. It’s about time that camera started earning it’s keep I say. The Second reason it’s taken me so long to make my second post. Is because having stated I wanted to make this anonymous. I then couldn’t work out a way of making it interesting and so anonymous that if you do actually know me and stumbled across this blog, you wouldn’t realise it was me. Now I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter. I’ll write how I feel, whilst trying to be as honest as possible, and if people do work out who I am then what the hell. <a href="http://BadScribe.blog.co.uk/2008/02/25/title~3777873/#comments">Comments</a> I guess it’s been awhile and I’ve had one or two ‘Where are you?’ Emails from Blog uk central.
There are two main reasons I’ve not been here.
One is I’ve been so very busy. Not only has work been crazy, with two staff on long term sick and the rest racing to fit their remaining holiday allowance in before the deadline ends. But I’ve also been looking at starting a small paying hobby of Pet Photography.
I’ve photographed my own cats for years. And as with all things the more you do something the better you get. Consequently I’ve had so many people telling me that I could be a professional, I’ve decided to give it a go. I very much doubt that I will ever earn enough to make it a full time job (although one can but dream). But if can earn enough money to progress a hobby I love, then why not. It’s about time that camera started earning it’s keep I say.
The Second reason it’s taken me so long to make my second post. Is because having stated I wanted to make this anonymous. I then couldn’t work out a way of making it interesting and so anonymous that if you do actually know me and stumbled across this blog, you wouldn’t realise it was me. Now I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter. I’ll write how I feel, whilst trying to be as honest as possible, and if people do work out who I am then what the hell.

Comments

]]>Well Here I amhttp://BadScribe.blog.co.uk/2007/11/30/well_here_i_am~3377157/2007-11-30T23:13:42+01:00 The first post and I suppose I should make it good. Except I now can't think of what to write. I wanted to start this blog as a sort of way to get things off my chest. Not one single person I know knows that I have this blog. It's not meant as a public declaration of my feelings. It is ment to be anonymous as possible. That way I will feel free to express my deepest inner thoughts without offending anyone I already know. I guess you could say this is meant as therapy. A way of expressing myself without fear. You may think you know me. And maybe you do. Of course if you ask me if it's really me I'll deny all knowledge. <a href="http://BadScribe.blog.co.uk/2007/11/30/well_here_i_am~3377157/#comments">Comments</a> The first post and I suppose I should make it good. Except I now can't think of what to write.
I wanted to start this blog as a sort of way to get things off my chest. Not one single person I know knows that I have this blog. It's not meant as a public declaration of my feelings. It is ment to be anonymous as possible. That way I will feel free to express my deepest inner thoughts without offending anyone I already know. I guess you could say this is meant as therapy. A way of expressing myself without fear.
You may think you know me. And maybe you do. Of course if you ask me if it's really me I'll deny all knowledge.

Comments

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